The Fertility Program

*Warning – M rated – contains adult themes 🙂 No it’s not a movie.

Anthea and Simon had been married for 4 years and trying to have a baby from day one. Nothing worked. So they went to the clinic and had check ups. All seemed to be in order. The doctor suggested a new method to enhance their chances of having a baby. He gave Anthea three little silver ball bearings and said “Go home and take these with a glass of milk. Make love every night for the next five nights and then come back in three weeks.”
Anthea follows the instructions to the letter, obviously Simon enjoyed the five nights in a row part. She returned to the clinic three weeks later and the doctor did some tests.
“Congratulations Anthea you are pregnant.” This was fantastic news for Anthea and Simon so they eagerly awaited the time when they could tell the whole family. After three months Anthea had an ultrasound that showed she was having triplets. Though this was a shock they were over the moon. They announced it to their family. All progressed well and they had two girls and a boy.
The triplets grew with no problems at all.
Then on the day of their 13th birthday Melissa came screaming from the bathroom, “Mum, mum, I was having a pee and there was a pinging noise. I looked down and I had peed a ball bearing!”
“That’s alright Mel, I know what it is, it is nothing to worry about.”
A few hours later Meloni came screaming from the bathroom, “Mum, mum, I was having a pee and there was a pinging noise. I looked down and I had peed a ball bearing!”
“That’s alright Loni, I know what it is, it is nothing to worry about.”
Then an hour later Martin came screaming from the bathroom.
“Don’t tell me Martin you were having a pee and a ball bearing dropped out?”
“No, I was I spanking the monkey and I shot the cat!”

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The Movie with the Family

I went to the movies the other day with my wife and seventeen kids.
I was sitting there watching the movie when the guy in front of me kept swaying from side to side.
I tapped him on the shoulder an said “Excuse me sire but would you mind not swaying from side to side I can’t watch the movie because of it?”
His reply, “I am sorry I am a merchant seaman and I have been at sea for six months, it takes a while for this to stop, I will try.”
So I sit back and watch the movie for 10 minutes and he starts again.
So I tap him on the shoulder again, “Sir you are doing it again, do mind stopping please?”
“I’ll try but I am a merchant seaman and it takes a while for this to stop.”
Another 10 minutes goes by and he starts again.
“Sir you are doing it again, please stop!”
“I can’t, as I said I am a merchant seaman and I have been at sea for six months.”
“Well sir, you see all the children here, they are mine and this is my wife”, as I stood up and did a pelvic thrust, “you don’t see me walking around like this do you?!!”

 

Songword Gaffes – You now don’t need to be embarrassed.

 

We have all done it, sang along with a song and thought we were singing it right.  Only to find the actual lyrics or even worse been corrected by friends who are laughing at your stupidity.

A couple of mine –

Mad World – I heard “…tried to debt for a deadly oasis…” which is actually “…bright and early for the daily races…”

Golden Brown – I heard “…with my mancheros…” which is actually “…with my mind she runs…”

So they are just a couple of many gaffes I have sung, sometimes in a drunken state, loud and WRONG!

Now I am sure there are many of you out with similar word mess ups, so I thought I would share this with so you can feel relieved and never have the need to be embarrassed ever again.

This lady was actually claiming she was singing in English, the song is supposed to be Without You – Harry Nilsson, Air Supply and Mariah Carey. This lady, bless her, introduced her rendition as Ken Lee!! Watch and you will understand, there are English subtitles, for whatever good they are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQt-h753jHI

 

 

 

Desperado Part 1

I am not usually one to take advice from others, been there done that, but this time I was in desperate need of some sound advice. So the words of wisdom were like revelations from the deep vaults of life’s secrets. Armed with these secret words I walked with more bounce and head held high, thinking this is what will get me on the path to salvation. Something has finally come along to take me from the depths of despair to redemption.

Now you may get the sense that I am talking biblical changes and all that, but the only thing that changed in the biblical sense was the outcome, it was epic. You see I had been struggling to find work that made sense, moving from job to job, getting a pittance that saw the debts mount up. Then he arrived, not in shining armour, but teeth bright enough to cause something similar to camera flash blindness. Foolish me, that slick exterior should have set off the alarm bells straight away, but, no, in my desperate need to get myself afloat I was unable to see through the slick veneer.

I was in a situation where I was in the throes of declaring bankruptcy. A drastic step and situation, but it seemed like there was no alternative, until he came along. What he presented was a foolproof way of getting myself out of debt and setting things up so I didn’t really have to work again. Having past fifty at my last birthday, (or was it two birthdays ago?), meant I was keen to stop working and slow down a bit. Maybe I had a neon sign that said I was desperate and looking for a way out, or it could have something to do with the number of times I clicked on the “do you want financial freedom” emails. I am not sure how this person tracked me down and new where I was at, but he did and he knew exactly what to say.